Diary of a P.A. student('s wife)

I am anxious.

Yet even as I type, I'm fighting a prayer-filled battle NOT to be.

You see, I know it all. I Know my God is bigger, that He cares for this family. I know that He's called us to Phoenix, to PA school, to the way we're navigating these waters with me as a stay-at-home mom. I know He sees the size of our checking account, knows how many weeks are left to go before the next loan dispersment, knows what we need in the meantime.

I know He will provide.

I've seen Him come through for us time and time and time again.

So why do I still grow anxious when I check the bank account and find there's less-much less-than I'd anticipated? WHY do I allow fear to creep in, to take over my attitude, to lash out when all that is needed is to trust?

Get away from me, anxious heart...trust in your Lord!

Quiet down, frantic mind...listen for your Lord!

Have peace, oh my soul...He knows 

and sees

and cares

and DOES PROVIDE.

God is putting me through a season of heavy loads 

     so that I can finally see how much unnecessary extra I've carried my whole life.

He is allowing PA school to refine me, and my husband, even as the Lord prepares us for a different kind of life on the other side of all this.

(Because there is another side, and all of this has a purpose.)

You know those prayers you pray sometimes...the ones that echo King David's prayers, that earnestly cry out, 

Search me,O God, and know my heart;

    try me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

   I prayed that many months ago. I pray it still today. He heard, still hears, and is answering. Like gold being refined...at times it's hot and uncomfortable and I cry out. Once it's over, though! So precious, what comes out of that Fire! As I learn to replace His truths with the lies I've believed for so long-in so many areas of my life-it is fire. But through the fire

              comes the freedom. And oh, the Lightness of that freedom.

And now, pictures of my adorable children (at least, I think they are) to end this post on a lighter note...