I could, but....

I could do it, you know. I could walk out the door, take my resume to the schools, get a teaching or aiding job, and quickly solve so many of our "problems". I would have a steady job, bringing in steady money. It would take the burden off my husband, who has been struggling with not being able to provide for his family the way he feels he should. He could just focus on school and not have to even think about working part time. It would enable us to move into our own place, perhaps even to buy a house, instead of staying at my folks' house unsure of when we'll be able to move out. We could have our own space, a room for the new baby, a place for our friends (when we make any...) to come over and hang out. I could put my son in daycare, or at least in an in-home caregiver situation, leaving the everyday raising of my son to someone else. In some ways, it would be so much easier...relieve so much stress...but I know that I know that I know that this is not what God is asking me to do. When Adam and I began exploring this move, I thought about going to work full time...and ended up sobbing. I knew I didn't want someone else raising my kids, even if it was a good friend or a grandparent. I knew that God had blessed my family with these children, and that he was calling me to the ministry of full-time Mama. It's been the hardest and most rewarding job I've ever had...I knew it wasn't time for me to go back to work full time. So...what next, since our family still has to eat? That's the cool part...since making the decision with Adam that I would continue to stay home with our kiddos, and having absolutely no idea how it would work out, God has provided (and is continuing to provide) ways for me to bring money in to our family. Steadily all summer, and now...well, it's taking more leg-work for me at this point to get things "official", but it's still working out. I recently decided not to continue the childcare I was going to do in our home, for several reasons, and felt a mixture of relief and fear. I'd just let go of our only "steady" source of income. Freak-out time...but. I felt right about it. I have time now..time to focus on a couple of business ventures, time to spend with Pax, time to be more flexible with Adam's schedule (does that make sense?) and-one of the most exciting things to me- more time to focus on the new baby when it comes. It's hard, figuring out this juggling act...we have some very specific things we believe God has told us about this new season. However, they seem to be completely opposite sometimes: start the road to med school, stay home with the kids, have flexible jobs, don't work full time...either of you. How will we provide for our (rapidly growing) family?? Only God knows. I'm working on that being enough. I'm working on letting go and just trusting that God WILL provide a way for all this to happen, because He's the one leading us on this adventure in the first place. Somehow, that was much easier to do before I had kids. Adam started school yesterday, and today I'm overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for my husband-I know this isn't easy for him either, but he's so supportive. As much as he wants to be a good doctor, he wants to be a good husband and father more. He's had a hard time with not having a way to provide for us, with feeling bad that I've been the one providing-I've told him again and again that his going to school IS providing for our family. It's taking a step toward caring for our family in the future, as well as following what God has told him to do. I'm so thankful that he is going forward with this dream, instead of bowing to the pressure of "you can't start medical school, you have a family!!". I'm so very proud of him. It can't be easy to be going back to school, feeling like the old odd man out with a wife and kids, and riding your bike past sophomores who used to be "yours" in youth group (true story...it happened yesterday).

Cravings

I'm having the cravings of a 4-year-old. Yesterday it was french fries and ranch dressing (ok, so maybe that one is more like Benjie than a 4 year old...). Today it was macaroni and cheese with cut-up hot dogs. A candy bar earlier this week. Doughnuts (which my brother supplied without knowing when he and my sister-in-law moved out...although I don't think that one stayed put too long). And the thought of coffee basically disgusts me most days. oh, to be pregnant and hungry. This is NOT normal. Except for the fries part...but that usually goes with some Cukoos' wings. (MMmmmmm...Cukoos'...) And I'm proud to say, with the exception of the mac n' cheese with hot dogs, I've restrained myself and dodged most of the craving minefields. (And I did make the mac myself....couldn't quite bring myself to feed my pregnant body (or my son) all that processed cheesy goodness that comes in the blue box) What is it about pregnancy that makes us (or at least me!) want to eat anything and everything we usually wouldn't? I didn't really do the craving thing too often with Pax. With my first, I mostly craved hot sauce and chocolate. So normal for me, except I wanted to drink buckets of salsa...with the occasional burger thrown in. This one...AHHHH!! most days I want to avoid all "healthy" food (salads, fruit, etc.) and simply eat nachos with the occasional doughnut thrown in (or on top, whatever). I feel like I'm constantly fighting with this little 4-year old inside me : " EWWWwwww. Why do I have to eat that?? I don't LIKE tomatoes (or spinach, or sweet potatoes...you get the idea.) I want mac n' cheese!! yea, mac n' cheese with HOT DOGS!!" "You can have mac n' cheese, but you have to eat this salad first. You'll love it, just try it!" "EWWWWW!! Noooooo!" "Eat it, or no mac n' cheese!" (pouting)...."FINE. EWWW...this is so gonna make me sick!! (drama, drama drama)".
Not that I would actually ever HAVE that discussion with my child...he would just eat or wait till next time. But. A pregnant woman cannot skip a meal, especially a raveneously hungry one deep in her second trimester...Adam asked me the other day if I ever felt like all we did was eat. Yup. Especially right now. But is that a bad thing?? So much good food...so few weeks until eating turns into grazing because this kiddo is taking up too much room...if I can only dance carefully around this minefield, only setting off the SMALL ones, OCCASIONALLY--I am not one of those genetically blessed pregnant women who gane 25 pounds no matter what I eat. Willpower...another tricky concept when you're deep in the second trimester...anyone got a slice of cheesecake??

Potty time!

Some proof that potty training is TRULY happening...woohoo!! Adam took pax to the potty last night after dinner, and took some pictures of the big event, as well...

Hmmmm....this book looks perfect for potty time....is that Ernie??

It IS Ernie! I loooove reading on the potty!

Yes, we like to take embarrasing pictures of our son. It's all part of being a parent in the digital era...on the preggo side of things, Monday was my last day running with this little peanut. I was hoping to make it to 6 months, but it's just getting toooo uncomfortable. I don't know how women run into their 7th and 8th months! I'm pretty glad I made it this far...with Pax, I was so sick the first 4 months I was lucky if I did ANY sort of exercise. By the time I was feeling better, I'd lost so much cardiovascular strength...well, let's just say that I did the best I could. I was really enjoying running with this one...but biking and swimming will have to take over instead. How do the superwomen do it??? 17 weeks...not too bad, I suppose. Adam starts school the 24th, I start daycare next week for 2 little girls...we've had all this time, and now everthing seems to be coming up super fast! crazy!