I could, but....

I could do it, you know. I could walk out the door, take my resume to the schools, get a teaching or aiding job, and quickly solve so many of our "problems". I would have a steady job, bringing in steady money. It would take the burden off my husband, who has been struggling with not being able to provide for his family the way he feels he should. He could just focus on school and not have to even think about working part time. It would enable us to move into our own place, perhaps even to buy a house, instead of staying at my folks' house unsure of when we'll be able to move out. We could have our own space, a room for the new baby, a place for our friends (when we make any...) to come over and hang out. I could put my son in daycare, or at least in an in-home caregiver situation, leaving the everyday raising of my son to someone else. In some ways, it would be so much easier...relieve so much stress...but I know that I know that I know that this is not what God is asking me to do. When Adam and I began exploring this move, I thought about going to work full time...and ended up sobbing. I knew I didn't want someone else raising my kids, even if it was a good friend or a grandparent. I knew that God had blessed my family with these children, and that he was calling me to the ministry of full-time Mama. It's been the hardest and most rewarding job I've ever had...I knew it wasn't time for me to go back to work full time. So...what next, since our family still has to eat? That's the cool part...since making the decision with Adam that I would continue to stay home with our kiddos, and having absolutely no idea how it would work out, God has provided (and is continuing to provide) ways for me to bring money in to our family. Steadily all summer, and now...well, it's taking more leg-work for me at this point to get things "official", but it's still working out. I recently decided not to continue the childcare I was going to do in our home, for several reasons, and felt a mixture of relief and fear. I'd just let go of our only "steady" source of income. Freak-out time...but. I felt right about it. I have time now..time to focus on a couple of business ventures, time to spend with Pax, time to be more flexible with Adam's schedule (does that make sense?) and-one of the most exciting things to me- more time to focus on the new baby when it comes. It's hard, figuring out this juggling act...we have some very specific things we believe God has told us about this new season. However, they seem to be completely opposite sometimes: start the road to med school, stay home with the kids, have flexible jobs, don't work full time...either of you. How will we provide for our (rapidly growing) family?? Only God knows. I'm working on that being enough. I'm working on letting go and just trusting that God WILL provide a way for all this to happen, because He's the one leading us on this adventure in the first place. Somehow, that was much easier to do before I had kids. Adam started school yesterday, and today I'm overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for my husband-I know this isn't easy for him either, but he's so supportive. As much as he wants to be a good doctor, he wants to be a good husband and father more. He's had a hard time with not having a way to provide for us, with feeling bad that I've been the one providing-I've told him again and again that his going to school IS providing for our family. It's taking a step toward caring for our family in the future, as well as following what God has told him to do. I'm so thankful that he is going forward with this dream, instead of bowing to the pressure of "you can't start medical school, you have a family!!". I'm so very proud of him. It can't be easy to be going back to school, feeling like the old odd man out with a wife and kids, and riding your bike past sophomores who used to be "yours" in youth group (true story...it happened yesterday).